Music and Scrabble

I'm up. I bet there are lots of other people out there who are also up. I think it was Tessa today who pointed out the magnitude of shared experience around the globe to us today. I forget the context, but I was proud of her for her intentional groundedness and her wisdom.

I need to find a new routine for bedtime or something. I do really well most of the day and then it's nights that get me. Again, I'm sure this is the same for lots of us. On my run today, I found my brain wandering to thoughts of wisdom like Tessa had today. We had a conversation at one point about frustrations in life and being mad at ourselves for things we do poorly, things like aggression and snappy tones and things that come more easily in times of stress. I told her that in my 42 years, I've learned that those things are habits and don't usually change over night. We have to chip away at bad habits and be good to ourselves as we try to get better at things we don't like doing like that. It's hard to teach that any other way than modeling and let me just say that my modeling has been less than perfect, for sure - but that's also not to say that no progress has been made. 

I don't know how silver and sparkly the lining I'm sharing with you is lately. Somewhere along the way, it got a little less twinkly up in here. The attempted structure of our school lives is not really jiving for us as a whole family unit these days and I am trying to start thinking about what creative things we might dive into once we have a clear schedule to just be a family unit and do our thing each day. We'll see how that really goes, lol. My best laid plans typically get a little uh . . . watered down over time. I want to be up to our elbows in rainbows and cardboard boxes, not links and blips and clicks. 

I want my babies to be inspired and curious about life, I want them to feel like and believe that learning is a magical thing about being a human, the fact that we can seek and find new information and experiences. I don't want our learning at home to be frustrating and isolated. I feel like summer must be a good opportunity to make the best of that. 

I made myself a new running playlist and it has like a ZILLION songs on it. When Andy and I were dating, at some point we reached the level of interwovenness of our lives and merged our playlists from our CDs that got burned into the computer. Guess what? Lots of mine got lost. I was a really enthusiastic music lover at one point in time. We had kids. Somewhere in time, I forgot a ton of music that used to make me so happy, like James. I was the hugest James fan ever. Omg I love James. The weirdness of Cibo Matto and the Sugarcubes, I mean - YES! SO WEIRD! Please. It's been so fun to find old music that I forgot how much I loved, and to go out in solitude and run to it. I guess it's been motivating to run because that's the only time I'm alone. That's been a good thing. 

Anyway. It's been 28 minutes since I got out of bed when I realized sleep wasn't happening and I still don't really have a thesis statement for posting tonight, but that's okay. Oh, Scrabble. We were so happy after dinner tonight just playing a game with Tessa. She is so witty - she is maturing into a hilarious preteen who has a sense of humor that really catches us off guard sometimes. She is making an animated movie for a project in class and she clocks in and works on it like she has been hired at an animation studio. She figures out what she wants to do and she just makes a way and does it. Makes me so proud of her.

Finn has ups and downs. He wants more social time with his buddies next door and they certainly see each other a ton, just at a distance and in virtual realms. He asks a lot of questions. He needs more one-on-one time just being playful. I struggle to deliver what he needs and at the end of the day he just wants someone to sit with him and rub his back. Andy and I have known for a long time that Finn is the kid we should focus on giving more to because he is harder to figure out. He has a tender spirit and he just wants the world to be nice and safe. I can't give that to him, in truth but we can try to make our home that way as much as we can. I just want him to feel safe and loved, he is so soft, deep down.

Ellamay watches out for all of us. When I rollerblade, she wants me to hold her hand to stay safe. It is the most precious thing ever. Today, when I was sorting papers for school, she asked me for something and I gave her some kind of reply that indicated I was too busy to help her and instead of being mad, she asked me if she could help me. She is so considerate and loving. I love her so much, she just warms my heart. 

I guess that's it. Thinking about my kids, the fam - wanting us to be and feel closer even thought we are together all the time. We're so lucky to have one another, I don't want to miss out. 


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